When imagining an abusive companion, the picture is usually quite obvious: an aggressive and arrogant brat who is constantly threatening, flouting the service staff, and prescribing a dress code to the partner. While there are many such types, many manipulators behave much more subtly.
20 ways your partner tries to control you through flowers. If any of these apply to you, take it seriously.
- 20 ways your partner tries to control you through flowers. If any of these apply to you, take it seriously.
1. He isolates you from your friends and family. It starts smoothly and is often the first step towards complete control. He may be complaining that you talk to your brother too often on the phone or that he doesn’t like your best friend and you shouldn’t spend time with him. Maybe he’s trying to turn you up against them. The goal is to take away your support system so that you can’t resist someone.
2. He constantly criticizes you, especially for small things. This, too, starts with small things, and often comes with the fact that you start to reassure yourself that they were deserving of criticism, because after all, your companion just wants to make you a better person. If someone constantly criticizes you, it is very difficult to feel loved and if everything you do disturbs another person, you will not be accepted as an equal partner.
3. He makes hidden flashes. Many people think that the danger sign is only physical threats. However, threats are even more manipulative, such as threatening to leave you or hurt yourself if you don’t live up to expectations. How do you still ignore someone who lets themselves be hurt? It doesn’t matter if the man is standing by his threats – this is another way to get whatever he wants from you, without regard to your desires and needs.
4. He sets the conditions for love and intimacy. “I love you so much more if you make more money.” Or “I would have sex with you more than you would take, because then you will be more attractive.” Or “If you don’t even bother to cook, I don’t know, or “You would be much nicer if you tweak your hair a little more.” The message of all these sentences is the same: you are not good enough as you are.
5. He has a sequel to everything. Giving and taking equal is an integral part of a healthy relationship, but if your partner is mindful of every detail and demands some merit for everything, this is another way of controlling you. It is also extremely exhausting because you live with the feeling that even the slightest “mistake” has an unforgivable consequence.
6. He uses conscience as a weapon. Many manipulators turn your emotions into work for you. If he can make you feel guilty for every action, he will win because by doing so you will seek out actions and words that will not irritate him. That is, giving up your opinion and giving all control to the controlling partner is what he wants.
7. It makes you feel that you owe her. The manipulative partners are very romantic at the beginning and make great gifts or take you to expensive dinners. In fact, they put you in a position where you owe them something and take advantage of it when they want something from you that you don’t want to give them. “But you remember when I took you to the restaurant you wanted to go to a long time ago?”
8. He spies on you and demands constant reporting. The hallmark of a controlling partner is that he or she must always know everything beyond any limit. Some of them secretly spy on you, while others shamelessly insist that you carry every last one as a breath. He probably wants access to your phone and emails. He apologizes for having trust issues with previous relationships. Be that as it may, but the reality is that he violates your privacy and at the same time admits that he has no intention of trusting you.
9. He is unceasingly jealous and paranoid. At first, it may seem romantic because she is so interested in you that you don’t suffer that anyone else might want you. But it quickly becomes frightening and proprietary. Every one of your actions, even if you are just making eye contact with a stranger, is suddenly flirting. Each of your words gives the other man hope and reason to continue communicating with you.
`10. He doesn’t respect your boundaries. This is another tactic to weaken you: make you feel guilty for taking time alone or creating a sense of guilt in you, as if you didn’t love him enough if you wanted to be alone sometimes. It is perfectly normal for people to have different perceptions of me, but in a normal relationship a compromise is found that is acceptable to both partners. In a controlling relationship, you’re even a criminal if you want to be alone.
11. It makes you earn trust or good treatment. Of course, you trust more people you’ve been with for 5 years than someone you only meet for a month. However, a certain amount of trust is an integral part of the relationship. You don’t have to give detailed presentations of your day, and your partner is not entitled to your phone and emails when you’re out of sight. If you have to constantly prove your credibility, the dynamics of your relationship are already out of place.
12. You are always guilty of something unless you can prove otherwise. The controlling partner is very adept at making you feel that you have done something wrong before you even realize it. You walk in the door and he is already angry at something he found, thought or decided during your absence: from where you put his favorite bag in the cleaning to your colleague’s lunch he didn’t know. It doesn’t matter what it was, but your intention was definitely malicious. Its purpose is to find excuses to punish you, again to practice you to behave as he pleases.
13. He gets tired of arguing with you, so you start to agree. Most manipulators use less obvious methods, but some are chronic litigators and even seek conflict. This is especially true when the manipulator partner is more inactive and does not like to argue. In this case, the manipulator uses every dispute as a victory over a partner who simply does not want to argue.
14. He doesn’t consider your beliefs as anything. Be they religious or political or your overall view of the human nature. If he puts down your points of view and makes you feel stupid for your opinion, he will try to change your priorities. In the manipulator’s opinion, views are not a two-way road, but another means of controlling you.
15. It creates an inferior feeling in you. For example, he will suggest to you that he is much more attractive than you or that his achievements are better than yours. He can also constantly compare you with his mistakes, which were always better than you. The goal is to convince you that you are tremendously lucky to be with him and should be grateful for it.
16. His jokes are mocking and humiliating. Of course, humor goes into relationships, but the question is whether it is comfortable and well-meaning for both partners. In many manipulative relationships, your malevolence is hidden behind the phrase, “I was just kidding why you take it so seriously,” which is intended to actually tell you that you are not right about your feelings. This is the classic technique of manipulators.
17. Sexual intercourse annoys you. Manipulation often also reaches the bedroom. Sometimes something seems wrong, even at moments, sometimes there is a pattern where you feel uncomfortable after each intercourse. If something seems uncomfortable for you on your sexual side, it is a sign that something is really wrong.
18. Inability or unwillingness to listen to your point of view. He interrupts you all the time or he doesn’t even listen to you. Maybe he speaks so much that you can’t even remember when your opinion was last asked or the answer was listened to. Think about whether you have tried to tell her what her behavior is about you – if she doesn’t listen to it, she will simply try to dominate you.
19. It entices you to unhealthy behaviors. You are aiming for a healthy lifestyle, but she will entice you with the knowledge that you have quit smoking. Or it will pressure you to consume more alcohol than you would like. Suppressing your goals makes you weaker and easier to control.
20. It sets your goals aside, making you doubt yourself. You may want to enroll, but your partner will try to convince you that you did not have a good enough grade. You want to start your own business, but your partner considers your idea stupid and unsuccessful. The goal of the manipulator is to make you doubt yourself, because by taking away your personal goals, they also take away your independence.